FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
We at the project have been working on a Frequently Asked Questions document for several months now. It’s meant for outside penpals who have questions about beginning a correspondence, or who have come up against obstacles in their correspondence (whether of a logistical or personal nature). All of the questions that appear below are ones that we have been asked quite often and thought would be useful to outside penpals to have one place to get advice from us on these various issues. We took our time discussing and drafting responses to the questions, trying to make our answers as informative and helpful as possible. Can’t find what you’re looking for? Have feedback or additions to the FAQ’s? Please get in touch!
Section One: Getting Started
1. I don’t know how to start, or what to say.
2. We don’t have anything in common. What do I do?
3. We’ve been corresponding for a while now, and I just don’t think we’re a good match.
4. Is it appropriate to ask why they’re in prison?
5. Do you do background checks on your inside penpals?
6. I don’t identify as LGBTTQ. Can I still participate?
7. I identify differently than my penpal. Is this an issue?
8. Are there things I shouldn’t talk about when corresponding with my penpal?
9. A lot of the materials prepared by the Prisoner Correspondence Project seem to communicate a more political or more radical perspective than I feel comfortable with; do I need to agree with the outlook of your organization to become a penpal?
Section Two: Safety
1. My penpal is facing imminent danger or violence at the prison where they’re incarcerated.
2. My penpal isn’t out as gay or queer / my penpal isn’t out as trans, and I don’t know how much to say in letters to them.
3. My penpal isn’t out as HIV+ and I don’t know how much to talk about it.
4. I’ve been trying to send porn / erotica and materials with different kinds of gay, queer, or trans sexual content in. Is this going to compromise their safety?
5. What are the repercussions of disclosing something incriminating in a letter (ex. disclosing my precarious immigration status)?
6. I’m recently released / on parole myself and am not sure if corresponding violates their terms of incarceration, or my terms of release.
Section Three: Navigating the Penpal Relationship
1. The letters I get from my penpal have a romantic undertone which I am not comfortable with, what should I do?
2. The letters I get from my penpal are pretty sexual, which I am not comfortable with, what should I do?
3. My penpal wants me to send a picture and I don’t know what to think.
4. My penpal is asking for financial support that I am unable to provide, or that I am uncomfortable providing.
5. I am getting so many letters from my penpal and am feeling guilty about not being able to keep up.
6. My penpal has just disclosed to me that they’re actually not gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, or trans.
7. I don’t want to disclose my home address. What are my options?
8. My penpal disclosed to me their reason for being incarcerated, and I now feel uncomfortable or unable to continue corresponding. What do I do now?
9. My penpal is going to be released and they want to stay in touch with / meet me. What should I do?
Section Four: Logistics
1. My letters or resources aren’t getting through / I’m getting them back with “NH”, “RTS”, or “PO” marked on them. What’s this all about?
2. I don’t think I’m getting my penpal’s letters. How do I know?
3. My penpal and I have fallen out of touch. What do I do?
4. I’m using my penpal’s name, but the prison will only recognize their legal name, which they don’t go by. What should I do?
Section One: Getting Started
I don’t know how to start or what to say.
It’s true that writing the first letter can be intimidating, but you probably have lots of interesting things to share, it’s just a matter of getting started. Begin with talking about who you are, why you were interested in participating in the project, what your interests are and maybe where you’d like to see this correspondence go. It’s also important to include some basic questions in your initial letter regarding boundaries your penpal might have in terms of what they feel comfortable talking about (generally or specifically regarding identity) and what kind of restrictions they have to abide by in their prison. (For more information on this, check out the section entitled LOGISTICS below). Another important thing to include in your first letter is a clear idea of how often you anticipate being able to write. If it’s one letter per month, for example, that’s fine, just make sure your penpal knows that so that expectations are set from the beginning. One way to start is writing a list of questions you have for them, or what you were hoping to get out of the penpal relationship. It’s totally normal to be shy or uncertain at first – don’t let this deter you, as like with any new friendship, it will get easier with every letter.
We don’t have anything in common. What do I do?
It’s all right if you don’t have much in common to begin with. There can sometimes be a lot to learn from people whose lives are different from your own, and you might even end up discovering things that you have in common that weren’t apparent from the start. Try talking about your own life, things you’ve been interested in, that kind of thing, and your pen pal will probably want to know more about what you’ve been up to. Ask your penpal questions about the things they’ve expressed interest in, even if you don’t know much about it yourself. Just as in other social settings, getting to know people as penpals can take awhile, but the relationships you form can be really rewarding in the long run. Of course, if you’re simply not finding any common ground at all, then you always have the option of contacting us about being re-matched with a different penpal.
We’ve been corresponding for a while now, and I just don’t think we’re a good match.
If you don’t think that your correspondence is working out, that’s totally fine. Let us know, and we will work to re-match both you and the inside penpal as soon as we can. You might want to write a letter to your penpal, explaining that you’re going to stop corresponding but that you wish them all the best. If you don’t feel comfortable writing them to let them know you’re stopping communication, let us know and we will write to them instead. The more notice you can give us of your intentions to stop corresponding, the better. That way we can start to work right away to find both of you a new match!
Is it appropriate to ask why they’re in prison?
This is a question we choose not to ask our penpals, and which we encourage our outside penpals to consider not asking, or to wait until this information is volunteered. For many folks inside, there can be personal experiences of trauma associated with their reason for being incarcerated. For instance, defending oneself against an attack or assault is particularly common among women and queer and trans folks serving time, and is often related to the reason why someone is serving a sentence. In the personal experiences of those of us who are part of the core collective, this is often information that has been volunteered within the first couple pieces of correspondence after greater trust has been established. Fundamentally, no matter what the reason, it is your penpal’s decision whether they choose to disclose this information. See Do you do background checks on your inside penpals?
Do you do background checks on your inside penpals?
No, we do not screen our inside penpals. We have chosen not to do this for a number of reasons. People serving time have next to no control or autonomy over how they are represented as prisoners or as individuals. We consider it central to the intention and the politics of the project that the people we’re in touch with inside have control over how they are represented, and what people on the outside know about them. This is in part motivated by an acknowledgment of the extent of surveillance which incarcerated communities are subjected to, and the lack of privacy afforded to folks inside. We consider it important to not contribute to systems of punitive surveillance by running background checks and online searches on our inside penpals. We believe that as individuals on the outside, we can never understand the complexities of any specific case or reason why someone is inside, and we don’t try to. Our mandate is and remains to offer support to incarcerated gay, queer, trans and similarly identified folks that is not contingent on the reason for which they’re incarcerated.
I don’t identify as LGBTTQ. Can I still participate?
Our project is specifically geared at building links between LGBTTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, transsexual, and queer) folks inside and outside of prison. One of the things we hear most often from our inside penpals is how hard it is to find other queer and trans people to talk with, relate to, etc. In order to respect this, and acknowledge some shared experiences of marginalization or reference points as queer, gay, and trans folks, we ask that those who get involved as penpals do identify as LGBTTQ or similarly. As a project, however, we recognize that prisoner justice is not uniquely a queer or trans issue. There are other ways to get involved with us as straight allies, such as attending those events we hold for the general public, offering us help with translation, passing on info about the project to queer and trans folk you know, etc. We also have a list of non LGBTTQ-specific penpal programs available on the resources section of our website if you’d like to be matched up with a penpal through another project.
I identify differently than my penpal. Is this an issue?
Many of our outside penpals identify differently than the person they’re corresponding with. Most of the requests we receive from folks in prison simply ask for folks who identify broadly as LGBTTQ, and don’t mind how you identify beyond that. If you feel you have been mis-matched, or that you or your penpal is actually looking for someone who identifies differently, please let us know and we’ll re-match you both. Keep in mind that there is a huge range of ways in which someone might identify, and that they may not necessarily understand the terms you use to refer to yourself. For instance, for reasons that are both generational, class-based, etc .many folks inside who are involved in the project may not call themselves queer or necessarily relate with this kind of identity. This process of learning and understanding is a rewarding part of correspondence and getting to know one another.
Are there things I shouldn’t talk about when corresponding with my penpal?
Refer to the section on SAFETY below for a more detailed answer.
It is true that the bulk of the materials (the content on our website, the resources we put together, the writing projects we coordinate) are explicitly political; for the most part, we try to root our work as a collective in an abolitionist outlook. Abolition to us refers to a way of organizing that tries to challenge the idea that prisons keep us safe, and that seeks to reduce our reliance on prisons more broadly. That being said, we invite and encourage individuals with a range of political perspectives to participate in the project and become a penpal. It’s true that some of the perspectives we hold either as individuals or as a collective, or the perspectives among prisoners who participate in our projects and callouts, will inevitably resonate with some folks, and not with others. It’s important to us, however, that the views and perspectives of our outside penpals are as diverse and varied as the perspectives of our penpals on the inside, so by all means get involved.
Section Two: Safety
My penpal is facing imminent danger or violence at the prison where they’re incarcerated.
There have been several situations we have encountered where we have heard of widespread instances of abuse or violence from our penpals and contacts on the inside, through media coverage, or through other organizations. The most important things to note here is the limited scope and capacity of the Prisoner Correspondence Project in intervening in situations like this, and to be realistic about the support that yourself as an individual, and that the project, can offer. The kinds of support that the project can offer are primarily: resources on emotional self-care, coping, and survival, and referrals to other organizations who are in a position to play a stronger advocacy role in situations like this. Here is what we can suggest:
a) Be specific about what kind of support you can offer and what you mean by support; being vague can have unforeseen impacts, as support, for instance, to individuals facing disciplinary measures can be read by prison administrations in all sorts of ways.
b) Ask your penpal specifically what support would be useful for them. Don’t make assumptions about what would be good for them. For instance, intervening can sometimes mean that they face further retaliation or persecution — take their lead.
c) Ask the project – email us – with any specific requests of resources that you can’t or don’t have the time to find. We also ask that you always let us know what you hear of situations involving ongoing or continued violence or where your penpal feels they are facing imminent danger. We often have several contacts in the same prison and in situations like this, try and check in with our other penpals at the same prison.
It’s important to note that being out in this context can mean any number of things; your penpal might be out to their cellmate but no one else, to other prisoners but not the administration, or to the administration but not other prisoners. Always keep this in mind when corresponding (for example, don’t mark the envelope in a way which might out them to a mailroom worker or their cellmate; similarly, don’t send resources from an organization with a return address that might out them. Also keep in mind that in the case of transgender and transsexual prisoners, using their chosen or “non-legal” name on the envelope risks outing them both to prison staff and other prisoners if they’re not out. Ingoing mail tends to be screened and censored with more frequency than outgoing mail so even if in one letter your penpal discloses how they identify, this doesn’t mean you can assume it’s alright to refer to that in following letters. You should not be shy to disclose information about yourself or volunteer your own experience. Similarly, in our experience, it’s been fine to ask how much you can talk about gay / trans issues. Be aware of the distinction between outing yourself by talking about gay or trans things, and outing your penpal. Keep in mind that where information about censorship and surveillance of correspondence is concerned, we can only rely on our penpals’ leadership and knowledge to an extent, as they won’t necessarily be experts themselves. Get in touch with us if you’d like to discuss this further, or if you have concerns.
My penpal isn’t out as HIV+ and I don’t know how much to talk about it.
HIV + prisoners face discrimination, harassment, violence and medical neglect from other prisoners as well as from the prison administration. As a result, it is extremely important to respect the confidentiality of someone’s HIV status under all circumstances. Ingoing mail tends to be screened and censored with more frequency than outgoing mail so even if in one letter your penpal discloses that they are HIV+, this doesn’t mean you can assume it’s alright to refer to their HIV status in following letters. We cannot stress the importance of following your penpal’s lead. If they tell you their HIV status be respectful in the questions that you ask. People will generally talk about a topic that they are interested in discussing. Don’t ask too many questions in the beginning. Keep it simple. You might want to ask what information they are comfortable discussing through mail. Mention that you are aware that there is a lot of stigma and discrimination regarding a person’s HIV status and you want to be sure that they are comfortable discussing this through the mail. If a person does not tell you they are HIV+ then please do not ask them. It is fine for you to talk about your experience of HIV-related issues but it is not appropriate to ask a prisoner about their HIV status. Refer to the expectations and guidelines document for more information. If your penpal is HIV+, and you would like more information on this, the Prisoner HIV/AIDS Support Action Network (PASAN) could be a good support. If you want to learn more about the systemic issues surrounding HIV/AIDS and HCV in prisons see the Canadian HIV/AIDS Legal Network’s website. Also never hesitate to get in touch with us if you have questions or concerns about ensuring your penpal’s safety.
It’s important to keep in mind that being sent any materials with gay, queer, or trans content could potentially ‘out’ your penpal, and potentially put them at risk for harassment and discrimination, either by the administration or other prisoners. So, before trying to send in any porn/erotica or any materials with overtly LGBTQ sexual content (or LGBTQ content in general – please see My penpal isn’t out as gay or queer or trans above). Please make sure to check with your penpal before sending anything in and only fill resource requests they ask you for explicitly. Be aware of any representation that might make your penpal vulnerable (for instance, any material which you’re unsure whether it violates prison policy). Also be aware of heightened levels of surveillance and panic within prison contexts. For example, be aware of how legal definitions of child pornography, for instance, and how they’ll be interpreted in a prison can be different from public definitions of child pornography outside of prison, of your own definitions. Similarly, even describing sexual experiences you had as a minor can be construed as child pornography in certain contexts. We explain this not to cause alarm (these cases are rare) but to make sure you’re aware of how the content of your letters can be construed regardless of your intention. Fundamentally, it’s your penpal’s choice as to whether they receive these materials or not, and will make their own choices about level of risk they’re prepared to assume.
Be aware of the potential repercussions that disclosing incriminating information might have for your penpal. For instance, among folks inside who are awaiting release, or under parole conditions, it is common to be under restrictions that disallow communication with other individuals participating in “criminal” activity. In some cases, this might delay their release, or if they have completed their prison term and it violates their release or parole conditions, result in rearrest. If you realize you’ve disclosed information in a letter that you believe incriminates you or in some way compromises your safety, there is not much that can be done to intervene. In a lot of cases, even if this information is read by a prison official, it will often be disregarded because the issue is often times beyond the scope or mandate of the prison and a lot of letters won’t even be read. Contact us if you’re really concerned, and we can refer you to the appropriate legal advice.
You should first disclose this information to your penpal since this could have repercussions for them (see I disclosed something incriminating in a letter above ). It could also potentially be a violation of your own parole to be corresponding with someone in prison, so keep this in mind. If you’re not sure about the specifics of your parole conditions you should probably check in with your social worker or another source to get the details. These things are case-specific, depending on the nature of your release, your relationship to your inside penpal, the reasons for which they are incarcerated, etc.
Section Three: Navigating the Penpal Relationship
The initial project description which all inside penpals receive states that the intention of the project is not to create romantic or sexual relationships, but rather to emphasize creating networks of friendship, support and solidarity. We advise people to set their boundaries early in correspondence. It helps prevent unwanted undertones from arising, but if they do, you can gently remind them of the limits and intentions you expressed at the beginning of your correspondence. Outlined below are a few strategies that might be helpful:
a) There’s a good chance your penpal has limited access to examples or representations of queer, gay, or trans experiences or identity. Being interested in and asking questions about your romantic life early on in correspondence aren’t necessarily an indication of romantic interest.
b) Setting your boundaries can maybe feel awkward or presumptuous, especially early on. One approach is to frame these boundaries in the positive rather than the negative. For instance, instead of simply saying, “I’m not looking for a romantic relationship,” try and follow it up with “reasons I’m excited for this correspondence” or “areas I’d be into us talking about…”
c) At the same time, consider not relying solely on coded or veiled ways of implying those boundaries. Things like mentioning partners, talking about how much you love single life, or giving your scathing opinion of long-distance relationships can support and help to personalize that initial potentially-awkward conversation. But on their own, these strategies can hinder honest correspondence in the future and leave you without something tangible to refer back to if you ever need to have a frank conversation about romantic boundaries in the future.
Obviously relationships change and develop over time and there’s nothing wrong if what started out as letters of friendship and support develop in a romantic direction. There are of course power differentials at play that can often be difficult to negotiate. Organizations exist that offer support to partners of prisoners, if you want us to put you in touch, get in touch.
In part because the project is aimed specifically at LGBTTQ prisoners, and in part because of the intense social and sexual isolation of prisoners, it’s not uncommon for folks involved in the project on the inside to want to correspond about sex, sexuality, etc. We understand dialogue about this to be a central part of the project, and an important strategy for affirming sexual identities. Try to keep in mind the distinction between your penpal expressing interest in talking about sex and sexuality generally, and an expression of sexual interest in you specifically. That being said, you should never feel obligated or pressured to discuss sexually explicit information with your penpal. We suggest people set their boundaries early on in correspondence. It helps prevent unwanted situations from arising, and if they do, you can gently remind them of the limits and intentions you expressed at the beginning of your correspondence. If you do choose to discuss sexually explicit subjects, always follow the lead of your penpal and check in with them first before doing so, as many penpals inside are not “out” and due to the frequency of mail being screened, read, and censored, this might put them in a vulnerable or unsafe situation. (See I’ve been trying to send in erotica and materials with sexual content above). Additionally, keep in mind the hyper-surveillance around gays and minors, Canada’s severe child pornography laws (including written material, fiction and non-fiction), and the fact that prison guards rarely read into subcultural nuance. Some specific things to watch out for:
a) Using a language of “boys” or “kids.” While chances are you‘re probably using it to mean anyone younger than you, it sometimes gets read as meaning pre-pubescent, or at least under 18.
b) Writing about your first time often serves as an ice-breaker or starter conversation for queers but talking explicitly about teenagers having sex can have serious consequences should prison officials choose to read it a certain way. Maybe tell it first as the PG-13 version, and in a later letter get into the details without the framing story.
c) Remember that what’s deemed admissible in a prison mailroom and what qualifies as passable in court may be two different things. Remember that laws or policies do not always correspond to practices or how these decisions are carried out. It’s the mailroom’s reaction that your penpal has to live with and it’s up to them to decide what an appropriate risk level is.
My penpal wants me to send a picture and I don’t know what to think.
This issue comes up a lot and while we can’t ultimately decide for you, here are some points to take into consideration:
a) Don’t send in dozens of unsolicited pictures, wait for your penpal to request one, or ask them first if you should send it. You never know if you could inadvertently out your penpal. Follow the mailroom restrictions on type, number, and content of photos.
b) Prisoners are under surveillance all the time. In many states it’s possible to get a picture of any inmate in the system either online or by contacting prison officials. Sending a picture can be a small gesture that works to minimize the power differential that this surveillance creates. It can be a way of establishing trust and familiarity. To that end, your penpal wanting to know what you look like shouldn’t be read as necessarily an indication of romantic or sexual interest.
This is an issue that occasionally comes up due to the intense lack of access to resources in prisons, and experiences of poverty faced by many people made vulnerable to imprisonment. You should never feel the pressure to provide financial support to your penpal if you are either unable to provide, or uncomfortable providing it. It is important to remember that the deepening poverty and lack of access to essential resources faced by prisoners is a part of how prisons function, and the systems of inequality they rely upon. In our experience, these situations, when they have come up, have been relatively easy to respond to by simply gently telling someone that you are not able to provide the financial support they’re requesting. It might be also helpful to remind them of the resources they have access to through the collective of the Prisoner Correspondence Project. We can (when permitted by individual prisons and institutional policy) send in paper, envelopes, stamps, etc. If the issue persists, you can contact us and we can get in touch with your penpal directly to offer resources and referrals to other organizations that might be in a better position to financially support prisoners in specific ways. Of course this issue reflects broader issues of power and privilege that often come up supporting loved ones or friends in prison. If you do decide to offer financial support, we suggest that you be really clear with your penpal as well as yourself about the extent of your support, to establish clear parameters about what you’re able to provide, and whether or not you’ll be able to do this again in the future. If you’re having trouble navigating this – it can be difficult, so don’t be shy if you are – get in touch with us.
I am getting so many letters from my penpal and am feeling guilty about not being able to keep up.
Sometimes you might not have time or resources to write as many letters as you are receiving from your penpal. This is okay! To avoid feeling guilty, it might be helpful to check in with your penpal, explaining to them that you are only able to write x times (ie. once per month, once per week or however often it is you feel comfortable), and that you are happy to receive their letters but that they should not expect to hear back as regularly as mail comes in. This way no one will be disappointed and the pressure will be off you to write more than you can. You will avoid burnout or stress by being realistic and clear about the level and frequency of your letter writing. You can also suggest that your penpal write to ask for a second penpal. Though second matchups are not prioritized over primary matchups, we can accommodate such requests wherever possible. Remember to always keep in mind your own ability / capacity when approaching support work like this – sometimes feelings of guilt or responsibility are hard to avoid, but being clear with yourself about what you are able to take on and what you’re not makes your support stronger and more accountable. It also helps you avoid feeling resentful about your participation in the project or your role as a penpal and helps to prevent turning letter-writing into an obligation.
In all cases, we rely on participants, both inside and outside of prison, to self-select to determine their involvement in the project. If this happens, it’s up to you whether or not you want to continue corresponding. There could have been any number of administrative mistakes or a lack of clarity somewhere along the process that resulted in this situation. Also keep in mind that people’s gender or sexual identification is often shifting and fluid, and that folks – including your penpal – might identify one way when you begin corresponding, and that this might shift over time. Also keep in mind that there are many people participating in the program who do not necessarily identify within LGBT or queer frames of reference, but are still within the mandate and direction of the project nonetheless. Some people might not even have an identity for themselves that fits easily into one word. If for whatever reason you feel uncomfortable continuing correspondence with your penpal, please let us know and we will match you both up with a different penal.
I don’t want to disclose my home address. What are my options?
You don’t have to disclose your home address in order to become a penpal. If you live in Montreal, you can use our address as the return address, and we can notify you when you’ve received a letter. At that point, you can come into QPIRG Concordia (1500 de Maisonneuve Ouest) to pick the letter up. If you don’t live in Montreal, you can set up a P.O. Box to receive mail in your own town, or use our return address and we can mail the letter to you when we receive it. The return address to use is:
Your Name
Prisoner Correspondence Project – QPIRG Concordia
c/o Concordia University
1455 de Maisonneuve W.
Montreal, QC H3G 1M8 Canada
For those living outside of Montreal, using our mailbox will create a delay in your correspondence. This shouldn’t be a problem, so long as you are aware and also make your penpal aware of the lag time involved. Other penpals living outside of Montreal have opted to use their work address, or to make contact with an organization who would be open to receiving and holding mail from their penpal (ie. AIDS service organizations, gay/lesbian community centres, etc).
Though we strongly believe that a person’s reason for being incarcerated should not determine our relationship to them, our goal is to create and nurture a strong relationship, and it’s important that your penpal situation not make you feel uncomfortable. If for any reason at all you feel uncomfortable with your correspondence, please do let us know and we will find you and your penpal a different match. If you’re having trouble making this decision for whatever reason, don’t hesitate to be in touch. Keep in mind that we are here to troubleshoot with concerns before you make this decision either way. Check out the Further Reading for Outside Penpals section for some more information about broader context and negotiating being a support person.
My penpal is going to be released and they want to stay in touch with / meet me. What should I do?
If they are released and you want to stay in touch, that’s great! The re-entry process can be just as difficult as someone’s prison sentence, so don’t assume that your support is no longer needed or wanted, as it can often be incredibly valuable and important at this difficult juncture. If you do decide to stay in touch with them, definitely keep in touch with us as well to let us know if there are ways we can support you or your penpal during their re-entry process. If this is not the case and you no longer wish to stay in touch with them, one option is to gently communicate this to them and outline your reasons (lack of time, other commitments, wanting to prioritize other folks serving time, etc). Use your best judgment and what you know about the person to make your decision and determine how you want to communicate this. If this is the case, please be sure to let us know if you want to be matched up with someone else, and please ensure that your initial penpal has access to the re-entry resources and support they need. There are resources which we can point you or your penpal in the direction of, so please don’t hesitate to ask!
Section Four: Logistics
There are a number of reasons why the letters you send might not be getting through. If the envelope is marked “NH”, this means “not here”, and that your penpal was either transferred to another institution or released. Try calling the prison to see if they can provide the information of where your penpal was transferred, or, if they can tell you if they were released. (This is also something you can get us as a collective to do, so don’t be shy to ask). If the envelope is marked “PO”, this means “parole office” and indicates that your penpal was released, and is on parole. If you want to get in touch with them at that point, you can try contacting the parole office to which they are assigned (this is sometimes marked on the envelope, or you can call the prison to ask). If the envelope is marked “RTS” this simply means “return to sender” and could indicate any number of reasons why the letter didn’t get through. Here are some tips to ensure that your letters get through as often and quickly as possible:
a) Double check that you wrote the address correctly as well as any number (like a prisoner ID number, a bed number, or a unit and cell number) assigned to your penpal. You can always have us verify this information in our database as well.
b) Check the specific mailroom policies that exist at that particular prison to make sure they are not against prison policy; these policies are usually available on individual prison websites, or on the Correctional Services Canada site.
c) Use a plain envelope, without any stickers or images on it.
d) Make sure that your full name and return address is marked on the envelope (feel free to use a chosen name or pseudonym, and let us know if you want to use our address to receive letters instead of your home address. See I don’t want to disclose my home address above.)
e) If you are sending any resources, sexually explicit materials, etc, include them in a separate envelope from your letter, so if they get refused, at least your letter will get through.
f) When sending resources and sexually explicit materials it’s best to check in with your penpal to ensure that they received them. Always remember to not send unsolicited resources or materials; see I’ve been trying to send porn / erotic materials above for more information). If you do find out your penpal’s address has changed, let us know, so we can maintain contact with your penpal ourselves, continue sending resources, our newsletter, etc.
g) Be sure to make contact with the prison administration to advocate on behalf of your penpal only on your penpal’s request, since this can have consequences for them. Don’t hesitate to ask us to intervene if these attempts fall through or if you can’t follow up yourself.
If your letters are still not getting through to your penpal, you can call the prison mailroom (or ask us to) and try and verify why the letter is being refused. This is sometimes the case, for instance, if your penpal is in solitary confinement or segregation, in which case you might have to wait until they are released into general population again. If at any stage of this process you get overwhelmed, get in touch with us.
I don’t think I’m getting my penpal’s letters. How do I know?
If you think they are still receiving your mail, double check and ask when the last time your penpal sent a letter to you. Include a copy of your address in the letter and ask them to double check it. If this doesn’t solve the problem, ask them to send a letter to you via the project mailing address. Double check that they’re including the right amount of postage (especially for penpals writing across the US / Canada border); if they – or you – need help with postage, let us know, and we can cover this expense. They may have been released or transferred suddenly; see my letters or resources aren’t getting through above. Check with the prison mailroom to see if they are under any particular restrictions that might prevent them from sending mail, or delay their mail. Keep in mind that it can take a long time for a letter to get out of prison, and to where you live, and sometimes this delay is significant. Check in with us to see if we’ve heard from your penpal in a while, or if they’ve been getting our newsletters. Get in touch with us if you are still at a loss, and we can troubleshoot. Once you do find the right address and contact information for your penpal, please let us know!
My penpal and I have fallen out of touch. What do I do?
Let us know if and when you and your penpal fall out of touch or are no longer corresponding; this allows us to touch base with your penpal ourselves, to see if they need any resources, and to ensure they are matched up with someone else without too much delay. Let us know if you would like to be re-matched with someone else as well. Remember, though, that ebbs and flows in correspondence are normal, and if you’re corresponding with someone over the course of a long time, this is to be expected. We encourage you – if you’re still interested in corresponding – to get back in touch with them and see if they’re still interested as well. (If you do this and are having trouble locating them, get in touch with us, or see my letters aren’t getting through above for more information).
Many folks will use names that correspond to their gender identity, and/or their national or ethnic origin / identity, so this is quite common. In some cases, the prison will recognize this “chosen” or “non-legal” name, and if this is the case you should definitely honour your penpal’s identification. Most of the time, however, this is not the case, and you will have to use your penpal’s legal name on the envelope–in most cases, this is the only way your letters will reach your penpal. You can address your penpal by their chosen name in your actual letter. Please also see my penpal isn’t out as gay or queer or trans above for more information. Always remember it can compromise their safety to use their chosen name on the envelope if they haven’t said it’s okay; to prevent this, establish what they want in the first letter.
